In the practice of relational self-awareness, it is easy to conflate the concepts of boundaries and triggers. Both can produce discomfort. Both can involve emotional intensity. And both, when misunderstood, can cause serious confusion in our relationships. But make no mistake – they are not the same thing.
What Is a Boundary?
Elizabeth Earnshaw, licensed marriage and family therapist and author of I Want This to Work, defines a boundary as “something we set to feel emotionally, physically, mentally, or spiritually safe.” In Chapter 6, she reminds us that boundaries are not about controlling another person – they are about protecting ourselves.
Boundaries help us define where we end and others begin. They are proactive, not punitive. Clear boundaries create the conditions in which we can relate to others without losing ourselves.
Example: You might say, “I’m not available for phone calls during my child’s bedtime routine.” This is not about shaming someone for calling you – it is about honoring your role and values in that moment.
Boundaries are healthy when they are clearly communicated, consistently upheld, and rooted in self-responsibility. As Earnshaw puts it: “When you set a boundary, it’s your responsibility to hold it – not the other person’s responsibility to remember it.”
What’s a Trigger, Then?
Psychoemotional triggers are internal reactions, not external limits. A trigger is what happens inside you when something in your environment stirs up unresolved emotion or trauma. Triggers are typically involuntary, intense, and tied to past experiences – often far more than to what is currently happening.
Example: If someone does not text you back for a few hours and you feel flooded with panic, your reaction might be less about the present silence and more about earlier relational wounds – such as emotional neglect or abandonment.
Triggers call us into healing, not boundary-setting. They are not about what we need to keep out, but what we need to learn to feel and process. And that is a crucial difference.
The Common Mix-Up: “That’s My Boundary!”
One of the most common missteps in relational communication is labeling a trigger as a boundary. For instance: “It’s my boundary – I don’t talk to people who disagree with me.”
This might be a trigger in disguise. If someone else’s disagreement causes anxiety, defensiveness, or collapse, we might be reacting from a place of past pain, not current danger. Calling it a “boundary” allows us to avoid the discomfort – but also the growth opportunity.
Earnshaw notes that “boundaries are often confused with emotional walls,” and that confusion can keep us stuck. Emotional walls protect us from vulnerability. Boundaries, when used well, help us stay present with vulnerability while staying grounded in self-worth.
Putting It Together: Boundaries Regulate Relationships. Triggers Reveal Our Inner Work.
Boundaries are a tool for relational clarity. Triggers are an invitation to emotional healing. When we can tell the difference, we can take accountability for our own emotional responses while still protecting our needs.
A boundary might sound like: “I’d be happy to talk, but I need to take a break and come back to the conversation in 20 minutes.”
A trigger might sound like (internally): “I feel rejected and unsafe right now, even though nothing explicitly harmful just happened.”
Learning to pause, reflect, and name what we are experiencing makes it easier to determine whether we need to set a boundary – or tend to a trigger.
Why This Matters in Real Life
If we treat every trigger like a boundary, we risk isolating ourselves and avoiding growth. If we treat every boundary like a trigger, we may collapse into people-pleasing or resentment. Either way, we lose the ability to stay present and connected – both to ourselves and to others.
By understanding what Earnshaw calls the “foundational importance of boundaries” alongside the emotional insight that comes from exploring our triggers, we make room for relationships that are more emotional, functional, and respectfully honest.
When Triggers in Others Activates Triggers in Us
Sometimes we become triggered – be it in response to someone else’s actions or someone else becoming triggered by our behaviours. The following reflection is written as a gentle inner dialogue between the present-day you (your grounded, capable, compassionate self) and the younger part that’s feeling triggered right now. You can read it aloud, write your own version, or simply let it settle into your body.
Inner Dialogue: “I’ve Got You Now”
Adult Self (You Now):
Hey. I see you.
You’re feeling overwhelmed, confused, and like maybe… everything is your fault again.
That if someone’s upset – especially if a whole group of people is upset – then it must be something you did wrong.
That old fear: “I must be the bad guy.”
I know that feeling. It’s deep. It’s sharp. And it makes everything feel unsafe.
But I’m here now.
And I’m not going anywhere.
Younger Part (the one carrying the fear):
I didn’t mean to do anything wrong.
I was trying to help.
Why does everyone seem mad at me? Why do they think I’m the problem?
I don’t know how to fix this… but I have to fix it, right?
Adult Self:
No, love. You don’t have to fix it.
You never had to. That wasn’t your job back then, and it’s not your job now.
You were trying to build something beautiful.
They didn’t understand. And their fear got louder than their listening.
That’s not your failure. That’s their pain speaking.
You are not bad. You are not dangerous.
You are not responsible for how others process their own wounds.
Younger Part:
But what if they hate me now? What if they never trust me again?
What if I really am too much?
Adult Self:
Even if they don’t see your heart, I do.
I know how much you care. How much you give.
You are not too much.
You are just… too tender to carry this all alone.
You’re allowed to step back.
You’re allowed to rest.
And you’re allowed to stop proving your worth to people who never looked closely enough to see it in the first place.
You don’t have to hustle for love anymore.
You are loved. Right now. As you are.
I’ve got you.
Let It Land:
Let that final sentence settle in:
“I’ve got you.”
Because no matter how they see you – or don’t – you are no longer abandoned in this.
Further Reading: Earnshaw, Elizabeth. I Want This to Work: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating the Most Difficult Relationship Issues We Face in the Modern Age, Chapter 6: “Boundaries.” TarcherPerigee, 2021.
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