As a psychotherapist, I often sit with patients navigating the terrain of discomfort – feelings like emotional overwhelm, frustration, helplessness, or irritation that arise seemingly uninvited. What becomes clear over time is how many of us carry deeply embedded patterns of minimizing or suppressing these uncomfortable emotions – not just to “get by,” but because somewhere along the way, we learned it was the only way to stay safe or connected.
Emotional Deprivation and Childhood Learning
In childhood, our emotional blueprint is formed through thousands of subtle (and not-so-subtle) relational cues. For children growing up in emotionally deprived environments – where expressions of anger, distress, and / or frustration were met with punishment, ridicule, silence, or withdrawal – the stakes of emotional expression were high. A child quickly learns: “If I show that I’m upset, I lose connection. If I cry or get angry, I become a burden, or worse, I’m left alone.”
In these environments, emotions like frustration are not mirrored or validated. Instead, children are often praised for being “easy,” “low-maintenance,” or “well-behaved” – language that often masks emotional self-abandonment. Over time, this child adapts by minimizing or suppressing their own emotional signals, prioritizing others’ comfort over their own needs. This adaptation may help preserve attachment in the short term but has long-term consequences for emotional well-being.
How This Shows Up in Adulthood
As adults, many of us continue to uphold the internalized belief that discomfort is dangerous – either our own or others’. We might judge ourselves harshly for feeling frustrated or needing space. We may avoid confrontation at all costs. And when others express emotional needs or frustration that we have been taught to repress in ourselves, we can feel irritated, shut down, or even lash out – not because the other person is doing anything wrong, but because their emotions activated a part of us that never got to be safely expressed.
This pattern often lives just beneath the surface of adult relationships, both personal and professional. We might feel disproportionately reactive when someone shares a complaint. We may feel responsible for “fixing” others’ emotional distress, or conversely, we might withdraw completely. In therapeutic work, these tendencies are not signs of failure; they are maps pointing back to early relational wounds.
The Role of Therapy: Reclaiming Emotional Space
One of the most powerful aspects of therapy is the opportunity to re-learn how to safely experience discomfort – not to immediately fix it or push it aside, but to give it space. This involves building the capacity to sit with difficult feelings like frustration and acknowledge their presence with self-acceptance rather than self-judgement.
Rather than asking, “How do I get rid of this feeling?” we begin to ask, “What is this feeling trying to show me?”
Discomfort becomes a doorway, not a dead end.
Over time, patients who have historically minimized or suppressed their emotional needs begin to reclaim them. They start to recognize when their boundaries are being crossed or when they need to say “no” with confidence rather than guilt. They develop the resilience to tolerate others’ frustration without feeling personally attacked or responsible. And most importantly, they begin to experience emotional connection that does not require self-erasure.
Moving Forward: Making Room for the Full Range of Experience
In a world that often celebrates emotional control and “positivity,” making space for discomfort can feel counter-cultural. But healing asks us to go deeper than managing appearances. It invites us to cultivate emotional honesty, starting with ourselves.
To the adult who learned that your feelings were too much: They are not.
To the one who believes they must suppress to belong: You do not.
And to the part of you that still gets activated by others’ frustration: You are not broken – you are remembering.
In therapy, and in life, healing begins when we greet our discomfort with compassion, courage, and curiosity rather than running from it.
—
You can listen to the audio version of this article below:
Want to know more about a specific topic related to psychotherapy? Send me an email (adam@cwcp.ca) and let me know so I can write a blog post about it. And if you would like an honorable mention for your recommendation, let me know that too and I will include your name!
